Death of A Parent

Saying Goodbye

As I started to walk back with the nurse to view my father’s body a knot began to form in my throat. How was I going to say goodbye? What was he going to look like? When we walked into the room he was covered with a white sheet, and the room that they had placed him in felt so cold. I crossed my arms and braced myself as the nurse pulled back the sheet. As she pulled back the blanket I could see his curly brownish red hair and then his face. It was my father lying there, lifeless.

The knot in my throat began to grow and tears swelled up in my eyes. His skin had a bluish tint to it that made his hair stand out as if it were glowing. The nurse began to leave the room and said as she left, “Sweetie, take as long as you need and you can just go back out to the waiting room when you’re done.” I nodded in agreement, and began to approach my father’s body.

Dad’s eyes were closed and he had a peaceful look about him. I placed my hand on his chest and I took a deep breath before I spoke, “Daddy, I am so sorry. I really do love you, and I really wish that I could have had one last talk with you. I’m so sorry for not loving you unconditionally. I’m so sorry. I’ll always be your little girl, and I promise to take care of mom and my brother. I really wish things didn’t end this way. I should of never of gone on that retreat, because I could of prevented this. I’m so sorry.”

The Holy Spirit within me kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault, but my feelings were telling me something else. I leaned over to give my daddy one last hug and a kiss on the cheek before I left. Then I took the white sheet in my hands and pulled it back over my father’s head. I just stood there for a minute with my arms crossed and crying.

How can I leave you, and how can I say goodbye? I thought to myself. It’s so permanent, and I wasn’t truly ready for this moment. I took one last look and opened the door. With a swipe of my hands I pulled back the tears and regained my composure.

That day will forever be engrained in my mind. A guilt followed me for years, because I wasn't around that weekend to prevent my father from drinking and driving. I took the blame for his death and for him hitting that tree that day. For a fourteen year old girl this was a rather large burden to carry through life, but fortunately I had God to lighten the load.

During that time I spent much time in prayer and meditation with God. Mostly, because I felt that He was the only one that truly understood the entire dynamic of my situation. My time with God gave me the strength to make it through that difficult time and to learn the truth (that it wasn't my fault). I was given peace and a reassurance from God that He had a plan for my life and that I needed to place my trust in Him.

Personally, I now believe that God's plan for my life is to share my story with others, to encourage, and to share to share Christ's love. I now know whole heartedly that God doesn't make junk and that He truly had a plan for my childhood all along. The loss of an alcoholic parent can be an extremely difficult time, but find your peace in God. He's always willing to listen!