Broken Trust

Over and over and over again, broken trust! Family members with addictions can cause so much harm and destruction. Then, the next day sets in the remorse for their deeds, the apologies, and the empty promises. "Sweetie, I promise that I will never drink that much again." says your parent, or, "I promise to never hurt you like that again."

How can you ever learn to trust anyone when your own parents continually lie to you? Each time they seem sincere, and you want to believe them! Yet eventually, it becomes one more broken promise and one more disappointment. I felt like they didn't love me enough to keep their word to me, and it hurt.

This horrible cycle of broken promises can make it so difficult to learn to forgive others. After all, you have spent your entire life being lied to by your own parents. Why would you be able to let go and forgive someone else? They're just going to wind up hurting you in the end, right?

God has been working on this with me all of my life. He commands us to forgive, but I have been conditioned to believe that no one is sincere. Instead, I cut out the problem from my life. You hurt me. Therefore, I will no longer have anything to do with you.

If I cut you out of my life, I will no longer be vulnerable to you, and you will no longer hurt or disappoint me. This is how I would justify it in my mind. Seems easy enough, right? I'm just protecting myself from being hurt, right?

Well, in reality I'm setting myself up for a very lonely journey. No one can possibly live up to these standards. No one will ever be able to make it into my circle of intimacy, because I trust no one. Bottom line is that life and relationships take work, and for children of alcoholics you can multiply that by ten!

The important concept to remember in forgiveness is that it is okay to establish boundaries while rebuilding trust. This will require thought, tough conversations, and accountability. Which is work, but it pays off in the end. "Why" you might ask? Because you are not living a life of alienation and loneliness.

Running from conflict is something that I have become a pro at, but God will not give me peace with doing so. He has placed a magnify glass on this subject matter for me, and reminds me in Colossians 3:13 that this is his will.

Colossians 3:13

You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Who has broken your trust? Who have you been running from? Who do you hold resentment towards? Who are you called to forgive and establish healthy boundaries with?

Please spend time with the Lord on this subject matter, and ask him to reveal his truth to you. Listen to his voice and leading to guide you through this process. It is important for us to relearn how to effectively deal with conflict, establish boundaries, forgive, and allow others the opportunity to rebuild trust. Seek the Lord and go in peace today.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

When I was a kid I thought that if I could just get to adulthood my life would be different. Today, I listened to a voicemail from my biological mother, whom is living in a shelter for woman. I listened to her on the other end of the phone pleading with me to call her. Tears swelled up in my eyes as I tried to figure out how she ever got to this point?

She wasn't always this way. Once she had a job, a husband, children, a church family, and a home. My parents at one point in time were fully functioning citizens of society. Like all things, it started off slowly and then just spiraled out of control. I was six years old when my parents asked me to babysit my three year old brother on the weekends while they went out to the bars.

They would rent me a kid video, pop some popcorn, give me some phone numbers, hand me a dollar, and tuck me into the couch before leaving for the night. Before long this became a weekend routine and they would come home fighting with one another. These weren't just verbal disputes, but knock down drag out fights. It was only a matter of time before we would begin receiving regular visitation from police for domestic dispute calls. It was terrifying. My parents would tell me to lie so the police wouldn't take me away.

The interesting thing in all of this is that I thought that my family was normal. That is until I began going over to my friends homes. I began to realize that their families were different from mine. Once realizing this, I became embarrassed by my parents and avoided having friends over to my home.

Adult children of alcoholics continue to live with shame and embarrassment even after they move out of the home. Years later, a lingering feeling of resentment and helplessness plague the soul. I didn't have the cure then and I don't have the cure now. They're still emotionally draining to interact with, they're still completely self centered, and they're still highly manipulative.

The only difference from childhood and adulthood is the amount of influence you allow them to have in your life. You can determine the amount of contact that you have with them. This is a very difficult concept for bystanders to grasp. Outsiders will be quick to judge and give their opinion on what you should do.

The thing about outsiders is that they haven't walked in your shoes. They don't understand the baggage, the hurt, and the abuse that you experienced from this person. All they see is a homeless person with the "disease" of alcoholism that wants to turn their life around. But I'm here to say it is okay to give yourself time and space to heal. It took years to create those wounds, and they're not just going to heal overnight.

Personally, I choose to pray for my mother right now, because interacting with her is far too emotionally intrusive for me. It's not always easy to know what to do as an adult child of alcoholics. There is this weird sense of responsibility for them, and then on the other hand there is the barrier around your heart that was put in place for a reason.

Each scenario is unique, and only you can decide what is right for you and your situation. There is one absolute though... true healing can only begin through Christ. May the Holy Spirit guide you through your journey and bring you peace.

...how deep his love really is.

Ephesians 3:16-19

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

This is my prayer for you today. If you are feeling empty or aimless, please place your trust in him. He loves you. When you trust God with the little things and the big things he will give you power, and a new kind of hope. God wants you to have joy and peace. He wants you to have an unbreakable inner strength that not even the enemy can penetrate.

When you allow the Holy Spirit to fill your heart, you will no longer be alone. He will be your guide and protector from evil. As an act of love God has given it to whomever receives the Holy Spirit. Go in peace today knowing that God's love surrounds you, and it is greater than we will ever understand.

Meditate on Ephesians 3:16-19 and give your thoughts to the Lord for he loves you.

Avoiding Conflict

Conflict... Who really likes conflict? Doesn't it sometimes seem like certain people thrive off of it? Not me, I run from it! Yet, somehow it causes more conflict? I'm not really sure if this is a character trait or a learned behavior from childhood?

Many times growing up, I would look for the fastest way to diffuse conflict among my drunk parents. I wouldn't tell them what I really thought or how I really felt, because I didn't want to be physically harmed. Unfortunately, this behavioral form of survival has spilled over into my adult life.

There are so many times at work when I have so badly wanted to give my professional opinion, but everything within me just freezes up. I won't speak up if I feel that I am about to enter a heated debate. I'll simply remain quiet or avoid the subject matter all together. Later finding myself frustrated of the circumstance that I'm stuck with. I will then look to someone else to be my voice.

A co-worker recently asked me, "Why don't you stand up for yourself? What are you afraid of?" After thinking about it for a minute. I replied, "I'm fearful of the consequences." She looked at me puzzled. I told her that I'm always thinking about cause and effect, and how life can so often resemble a chess game. She shook her head at me and said, "You can't control or predict what others will do."

Everything within me disagreed with her, because I've been forced to do it all my life. Observe and manipulate were the words that came to my mind. I have learned through the years to observe others, calculate their possible reactions, and manipulate the environment around me through cause and effect.

All this to say, I never learned at a young age how to effectively address conflict. This has revealed to me that I only seem to know how to avoid direct conflict, because I just want everyone to get along. Maybe through time and more self reflection I will be able to find my voice with no fears of what the consequences it might bring?