Avoiding Conflict

Conflict... Who really likes conflict? Doesn't it sometimes seem like certain people thrive off of it? Not me, I run from it! Yet, somehow it causes more conflict? I'm not really sure if this is a character trait or a learned behavior from childhood?

Many times growing up, I would look for the fastest way to diffuse conflict among my drunk parents. I wouldn't tell them what I really thought or how I really felt, because I didn't want to be physically harmed. Unfortunately, this behavioral form of survival has spilled over into my adult life.

There are so many times at work when I have so badly wanted to give my professional opinion, but everything within me just freezes up. I won't speak up if I feel that I am about to enter a heated debate. I'll simply remain quiet or avoid the subject matter all together. Later finding myself frustrated of the circumstance that I'm stuck with. I will then look to someone else to be my voice.

A co-worker recently asked me, "Why don't you stand up for yourself? What are you afraid of?" After thinking about it for a minute. I replied, "I'm fearful of the consequences." She looked at me puzzled. I told her that I'm always thinking about cause and effect, and how life can so often resemble a chess game. She shook her head at me and said, "You can't control or predict what others will do."

Everything within me disagreed with her, because I've been forced to do it all my life. Observe and manipulate were the words that came to my mind. I have learned through the years to observe others, calculate their possible reactions, and manipulate the environment around me through cause and effect.

All this to say, I never learned at a young age how to effectively address conflict. This has revealed to me that I only seem to know how to avoid direct conflict, because I just want everyone to get along. Maybe through time and more self reflection I will be able to find my voice with no fears of what the consequences it might bring?