"Stage 5 Clinger"

Do you ever feel like a "Stage 5 Clinger"?  Like, there is this insanity that drives you to the fear of abandonment?  You don't want to be this way, nor do you want to live out your relationships in this manner.  But there is just something deep down inside of you that has you convinced that people are going to leave you.

No lie, I just shared with my biological brother on the phone today that every time I hear an ambulance or cop car my throat drops into my stomach.  I'm terrified that a friend or loved one has been in a car accident or something awful has happened to one of them.  What about whenever someone close to me leaves for a trip, even if for a few days?  I cry.  Seriously, it's like a panic button just went off in my head that I might not ever see this person again.  It's like I'm morning the loss of someone that is right in front of me, and nothing has even happened to them!

This conversation was not only one sided with my brother.  He also shared stories of having the fear of being left behind or abandoned by friends or family.  As we spoke on the subject matter we were able to tie it back to our childhood.  Being Children of Alcoholics, we lived in intense uncertainty at home constantly.  Not to mention our father was taken from us in a horrible car accident.

At a young age we were conditioned to have this fear.  There was always that uncertainty as to whether or not our parents would actually make it home from the bar.  Because truth be told, there was that probability that they wouldn't come home, due to a DUI or some other reason.  We were not given the luxury of growing up with stability or predictability.

There is also the trust factor with abandonment.  Does this person still love me, or are they just going to hurt me?  When your trust is repeatedly broken as a child by your parents, in regards to their erratic behavior, you find yourself wondering if the person your with is committed to you?  Do they really love you?  It's understandable that you wonder this when growing up one minute your being told that you're loved, the next your beaten or thrown down the stairs, and then the next your being told your loved.

These fears and trained reactions cause me to just latch on!  I want the person that I'm with to know how much I love/value them, and I hate the thought of them ever leaving my sight.  I want to know what they're doing every minute of the day, because I have to ease my mind.  Wow, sounds suffocating doesn't it?

The frustrating thing is that I genuinely try to fight it, but a lot of times the fear is too powerful for me.  I see that I'm not being trusting or I'm being controlled by fear.  I also see how it smothers and effects the person I'm with.  It just bugs me to think that the way I was raised continues to effect me even now.  This is just one of many obstacles I have to overcome and change in my life, but I'm confident I will eventually!