Isolation

For years, I could not understand how I was an extrovert, yet, felt so alone with so many friends?  "What's wrong with me" I would think?  "It is just not rational for me to be feeling this way all of the time.  I love being around people and I naturally feed off of their energy, but I feel all alone in the world?"  Often, I felt like a piece of driftwood from a ship wreckage.  There were pieces of the boat surrounding me, but I'm not connected to any of them.  Leaving me feeling broken and disconnected from the boat/society even though my piece of the wreckage had a purpose.

As I further explored the reasoning behind the "Why do I feel all alone in the world?"  I realized that there are tendencies that I have formed from personal childhood experiences that result in me feeling isolated and all alone in the world.  Growing up in an unstable environment that is full of so much uncertainty can leave an imprint on the behaviors of these children of alcoholics/substance abuse.

For example, I can remember early on not knowing whether or not my parents would remember to pick me up from team practices.  Often times I would be the last one picked up or have to find a ride home, because my parents were so unreliable due to their drinking.  The more that I became embarrassed by their tardiness or absence I realized that they could not be trusted.  Therefore, I decided to find my own rides home from practices or games.

Instinctively, I learned to only rely upon myself and that the behavior of those around me could not be trusted.  My parents never followed through with what they said they would do and they would lie all of the time.  Because of this, I began to form internal truths "The only way to get anything accomplished for sure is to just do it yourself."  "Trust no one."  "I don't want to bother anyone."  "They're probably too busy to lend me a hand." "It's just easier to do it myself."  "Nobody really cares about me."  This type of thinking began to lay the groundwork of isolation.

As these foundational "truths" that I had set into my mind helped me to maintain control/structure with in my life. In essence it was a survival mechanism or a problem solving strategy to function within the situation I had been placed in.  Which seemed logical at the time, but sets you up for isolation and control issues later in life at with friends, at work, and especially with your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend.  You have engrained in your mind from childhood that no one can be trusted.  That if you let anyone into your life, they will only let you down or not follow through.  If you let down your guard, then the pieces around you will begin to crumble.

By trying to create a stability to life by relying only upon yourself, you cut yourself off to deep, meaningful, long lasting relationships.  They will never get past a surface level without trust and relinquishing ultimate control.  If you can only control your actions, and not those around you.  Then unknowingly we never enter into fulfilling relationships, because we have engrained in our minds that we alone can only have control and trust.  Thus, isolating ourselves from meaningful relationships and a feeling of belonging.

In conclusion, removing oneself from isolation requires new foundational truths and effort.  Just because I felt that my parents didn't value me, care or were reliable does not mean that I should place those truths upon those around me now.  Instead, I should open myself up to the uncertainty and vulnerability that those around me deserve with the right to write their own truths about themselves.